1.01 - Kurtzman, Lenkov, Orci & Turner have lots and lots of money: Team Bobblehead is attacked. Lots and lots of stuff is blown to hell. Commander McGarrett and Danny Williams have equal sized man parts. Alex Kurtzman, Peter Lenkov, Roberto Orci, and Brad Turner have a lot of money so theirs are bigger.
1.02 - Ohana / Family: Danno hearts ties, hates flip-flops and threatens to unfriend McGarrett on Facebook. McGarrett irons his underpants and stands between someone’s thighs (this someone is not me, so I am sad). Also, potheads, unicorns, Serbs & swirly flips.
1.03 - Malama Ka Aina / Respect the Land:Chin lies and has b.stard family; Imelda Marcos makes a cameo; I can’t spell any Hawaiian names. Danno calls McG a punk and hates pineapples and steering wheels; McG hugs an extra and may have crabs. Hookers gold-dig. My panties make a swift exit and then commit suicide; I thank God for Hawaii 5-0.
1.04 - Lanakila / Victory: Cheaters in prisons; Danno drops his pants; and, boo-boos are made for kissing. Australians don’t play basketball. McG = McNerd. Shamu says hi. I am girl crushing on @tarynmanning. Danno vanishes, McG may be hung, though these two facts are not necessarily connected.
1.05 - Nalowale / Forgotten/Missing: Steve McGarrett is officially Captain McPanty Destroyer. He sexes “Cath “w/ his body and everyone else w/ his eyes. Danno is on a time out; Kono is taken to a wh*re house; Chin yells “I’M KOREAN.” Philippine terrorists, dance offs, mermaids and roofies. A great time is had by all.
1.06 - Ko’olauloa / North Shore of O’ahu: Danno has a large tongue, though the Fountain of Youth remains squarely within the custody of McPanty Destroyer (who removes neither shirt nor pants during these 40 minutes). Kono’s father-figure is murdered and she is almost $exed by a man who is very very pale in colour. Chin is gorgeous, as per uge.
1.07 - Ho’apono / Accept: McShirtless Aqua Mans his way to The Missouri where Adam Beach is holding hostages and losing his mind. Kono commits a rookie mistake; Danno is forgiving of her, though not of a potential murderer. Navy SEALs leave no man behind…unless they are about to execute one of their own.
1.08 – Mana’o / Belief: Pigs aren’t the only things charred on the Island. Daniel’s strength is in his loyalty. McG tries to draw blood from a stone; does not; then finally shuts up about it. Balki Bartokomous makes an appearance and I try to throw my panties at a criminal (you will too!).
1.09 – Po’ipu / The Siege: McG and The 5-0s harbour a psychotic criminal killer who committs genocide every Wednesday afternoon. Audience is expected to be alright with this because the criminal has now had a change of heart, and besides, “it’s their job.” The McG Shangri-La has its a.s handed to it. I hate this episode something fierce; a part of me dies as I recap.
1.10 – Heihei / Race: Professional athletes are heisters who wear latest in Power Ranger headgear. McG a.mashing is epic, as is he in a white tank-top, though not as much as when he goes for a swim while wearing his pants (second time this season). We meet Rachel, Daniel’s ex, and I lament over what should be between these two.
1.11 – Palekaiko / Paradise: Chin secretly hates McG. Women hate other women; men hate women. McG gives a woman the most awkward hugsies in the history of skin-on-skin. The Caucasian 5-0s make their way onto a cruise liner before having a lover’s row at the edge of a cliff. A secret about Momma McG is unearthed. And, my hair goes on strike due to the excessive Hawaii sm/fog and humidity.
1.12 – Han’a'a Makehewa / Desperate Measures: Victor Hess is alive and well. Chin is strapped to a bomb. The HPD are completely useless while McG and The 5-0s thieve $10,000,000 big ones from right underneath their feet (literally). The Governor is a b.tch who doesn’t care for Chin; and, she may or may not know about the thieved $10,000,000. We met a man who scares even Victor Hess; he is Woah Fat. DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
1.13 – Ke Kinohi / The Beginning: McG Shangri-La takes a b + e beating; the Champ Toolbox is lost. Sister McG is stolen and returned. We meet Hiro Noshimuri (head of the Yakuzuh, both of which were being investigated by Poppa McG) and Koji Noshimuri, while McG s.xes with his eyes for the first time: Woah Fat. The Governor lunches with shady men, ergo she too may be a shady man. Sister McG, the human part of McG is sent away.
1.14 – He Kane Hewa’ole / An Innocent Man: McG’s a softie and I like him this way. Daniel and I are on a Time Out. Little girls grow up to be big b.tches who McG wants to punch in the hair (me too!! Me too!!). Immigration issues make me weepy, and I confirm that after completing recaps, I am far too emotionally invested in this show.
1.15 – Kai e’e / Tidal Wave: McG should be dating Lara Croft, rather than $exing “Cath”. Tsunamis are liars. Daniel’s learning how to face-plant because he loves his Monkey.
1.16 – El Malama / To Protect: Ridiculously, McG takes a tire to the face and calls it camouflage, eye$exes jungle logs and whittles wood (though he is not 87 years old). Daniel has a nervous breakdown and nearly breaks Step Stan’s v large jaw, but his anger management classes are really some kind of Zen. Kono hands a femme fatale her a$s and Chin almost gets lucky. But then he does not. Fin.
1.17 – Powa Maka Moana / Pirate: From 98 degrees to 73.5 degrees, we learn that McG has power to impregnate through telly. Danno is hissy fitting, but his shirt’s undone and so women the world over go into one unified seizure. McG still hasn’t removed his pants, though he explodes a door and saves Drunk Party People (well, except for that one that died) and Vanessa Minnillo is some kind of wench. La Fin.
1.18 – Loa Aloha / The Long Goodbye: Zip lining will killer you. Kono asks a foolish question, and quickly follows it up with a brilliant one. McG eye$exes some more. The episode is all about Danno and his story arc. Also, I cheat on McG.
1.19 - Na Me’e Laua Na Paio / Heroes and Villains: Captain Cargo Pants doesn’t remove his pants; audience bewildered. Danno and his pompadour ride a tricycle. Bad guys are dumb.
1.20 - Ma Ke Kahakai / Shore: McG takes a boulder to the (pretty) face while on a bromantic hike with Danno. Chin’s family situation is stressing me out, like, a lot. A fisherman who loves his family very much is killered because another man also loves his family, but more. The word “marticulate” confuses me and this is my favourite episode to date.
1.21 – Ho’opa’i: This episode gave me a stress headache and it made me feel dirty. I wanted to punch McG in his Fountain of Youth and throw a pineapple at Kono while she climbed a tree. Additionally, I wish Chin had more to say, and am still laughing at Danno’s “I’m not hungry” comment. Sean Combs did a great job, and I cleaned my oven.
1.22 – Ho’ohuli Na’au / Close to Heart: Models make millions of dollars, while photographers bed them and then explode. McG and The 5-0s are hot on the trail of a killer with daddy issues, and Kono detectives her personal history. Chin throws down and breaks our hearts. Le End.
1.23 – Ua Hiki Mai Kapalena Pau / Until the End is Near: Synopsis coming.
1.24 – Oia’i’o / Trust: Synopsis coming.