A woman is being attacked inside of a home. I have nothing sardonic to say about this because I am stressed out by the scene and then I quite nearly heave when I see that the piece of sh!t attacker has pulled out a curved knife and is holding it up to the woman’s face.
Suddenly, Adam Beach is running through Ford Island, while carrying a bloody knife in his hand. ADAM BEACH!! CALL ME!! (I met him years back. He is LOVE.LY.)
Adam Beach is running hard because maybe he just attacked and killered a woman. As police chase, he scales a chain-link fence and pops over it with the ease of someone who is clearly not I, because the one time I tried to do this was over a fence half this one’s height. My left pant leg caught, and I was propelled forward then snapped back at high speed. For the rest of the day, I walked around with a peeled and unfurled pant leg because I am sexy like that.
A man with a raspy voice and perfectly white fluffs of hair asks if anyone knows a damn thing about the battleship behind him because he wants to get this sh!t over with so he can have a drink. The adults avoid eye-contact and think uhm, we’re on this tour so YOU can tell us pops while a young girl raises her hand to explain that just seconds ago she tweeted a pic to her billion twitter friends and captioned it omg, i think #justinbieber should totes shoot his next vid here, to which a 47 year old man responded “You mean on The Missouri, which secured its place in history as the site of Japan’s unconditional surrender to the Allied Forces on Sept. 2, 1945, ending World War II? TOTES! EEEEE! LET’S MEET! WHEN YOU’RE HOME ALONE!”
Adam Beach is still being chased by a couple of cops, and the raspy voiced man is speaking in English, though I absolutely can not understand a word of it.
Cops approach Adam Beach and when they try to arrest him, he McG’s them into submission, grabs a gun, a screaming female hostage and backs onto The Missouri while yelling that he wasn’t responsible for killing his wife.
Hawaii 5-0 chimes.
A gorgeous woman working for The Governor and with the most spectacular widow’s peak approaches Captain Cargo Pants and Danno as they exit the car. She is eye$exed by McG as he asks what she’s got. She explains that Adam Beach is in fact Graham Wilson, a fellow SEAL like McPanty Destroyer.
While McG fights tears, Danno is all business asking after the five things taught in Detective Camp: What Where Why When and WTF? Widow’s Peak explains that Adam Beach has only one demand conditional upon which he will release the hostages: find the individual who killered his wife.
When Danno asks if there are any suspects, Widow’s Peak looks at McPanty Destroyer and says I think you’re wearing too much foundation but then turns back to Danno to discuss the semantics of the situation. She explains that although SWAT usually handles such scenarios, The Governor feels that with McG’s background as a Super SEAL, he (not the 5-0s) would be better to handle the situation. McG is caught off guard because he had just been daydreaming about his handsome good looks thinking My God! I am a handsome devil. He recovers quickly and says that he will do it alone, while Danno shrugs his shoulders and asks if he’s here for entertainment alone.
Yes. Yes, you are Danno. You are here for the sole purpose of stripteasing my ovaries with your witty banter and pompadour.
When Danno’s pompadour yells THIS IS RIDICULOUS, McG’s Cargo Pants explain that Adam Beach is trained in a particular form of close something combat which would really mess with Danno’s hair stylings. Worse yet, if SWAT tries to go in, he will killer many people because apparently, Navy SEALS are fkn lunatics, y’all.
Widow’s Peak is imagining what it would be like to take a ride on the McG, as the music swells and McSuper Seal is all “Adam Beach deserves the benefit of the doubt and at least a conversation just in case he didn’t killer his wife.” For no particular reason, I am suddenly patriotic on behalf of the Navy SEALS.
McG is a sovereign and no one is getting in his way; not even Danno’s pompadour.
Returning from commercial break, we are engaged by another bromantic interlude. Danno tries to use the third person to speak in the second voice and asks a completely incomprehensible question. While Danno is rambling, McG is playing with his toys, sticking them in his waterproof bag. I hope he has Ritz crackers and spray cheese in case he gets hungry and needs a snack.
Danno is worried that Adam Beach will see McG coming, but McG explains that Adam Beach will be expecting a threat from land and not water. I am perplexed that no one noted the massive size of The Missouri and that Adam Beach only has two eyes.
Instead of investigating this further, I stop caring because McG is suddenly McShirtless and his pecs are waving at me, whispering that before the cameras rolled, Alex O’Loughlin completed 632 push-ups. Again I think: MORE HAIR!! YOU NEED MORE HAIR!! and Danno thinks: I can’t believe he doesn’t wear an undershirt in this Hawaiian heat.
When Danno asks what McG’s plan is, McG explains that he will eye$ex Adam Beach into submission right after he eye$exes the ocean waves to part as the sea once did for Moses (pbuh). I understand that the Director wants to engage the female audience by utilizing Alex O’Loughlin’s body, but it’s a little odd that he’s shirtless while still fixing his wee bag and being so far away from the water. (Go ahead and yell at me; I know you want to.)
While McG is on The Missouri working on solidifying Adam Beach’s trust, he expects The 5-0s to investigate the killering.
Chin and Kono arrive and reiterate what we first saw, adding that the couple’s 7 year old daughter was also at the scene of the crime. She has not spoken since and is currently at Children’s Aid. McG is still standing shirtless; everyone is distracted by this, including SWAT.
Kono says she’ll go to find the girl, because seeing as she is the one with ovaries, the spermites will ask it of her anyway. Danno explains that no, this is not why they would ask her to go, but rather it is because she is a rookie and rookies are lower on the scale to women. Amoebas clap and look around at one another wondering if they are therefore above or below the rookies.
McG straps something around his neck and I don’t know what it is because I am too busy imagining clapping amoebas. It looks like a collar and it accentuates his shoulders, neck and dancing chest. More men should wear this object.
Oh! It’s goggles.
He tells The 5-0s that though he’ll have his phone on him, he’ll call them and not vice versa. Clever Kono says how that’s likely not the first time McG has used that line in his McPanty Destruction. I yell He doesn’t even say hello or goodbye to “Cath”. MCG!! CALL ME!! I’m not big on small talk, either.
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Oh I love this epi so much!
I think this beginning scene was the most dramatic of any. I was quite stressed also.
I love Adam Beach also. He spent a season on Law & Order SVU. My other guilty pleasure.
Sidebar – Justin Bieber was in oahu when I was there last yr. Hawaii had Bieber Fever. I had my shots so I was immune.
Fave funny line – “did you just throw a bunch of words together hoping they’d make sense?” heh
Suspension of belief – sorry McG, a Navy Seal would totally expect a threat from the water. WRITERS CALL ME!
shirtless MCG – **sigh** oh and I thought it was believable he’d take his shirt off near the car otherwise he’d have to leave it on the shore, leave it with Danno or add to his knapsack and it seems that was pretty full of extra cargo pants…
2nd fave line Kono to McG @ using that line before. heh!
I am pretty sure we could justify his shirtlessness under any circumstance. Now, let’s work on pantslessness, Writers!
As for The B e I b e r — first time I heard him, I thought he was a girl. Honest to God.
That words together line by McG was brill.
This is my second fave epi; right after McG took a boulder to the head. That one was hilarious.
Hi all; find me at http://www.onefemalecanuck.com
Justin B e I b er isn’t a girl? Go figure.
He freaks me OUT. Him and his hairless chest.
Hi all; find me at http://www.onefemalecanuck.com
Well, B e I b e r is 8 years old. It’s supposed to be hairless, male or female.
“It.”
Heh!
Hi all; find me at http://www.onefemalecanuck.com
Your love of McG taking a boulder to he head worries me. However that epi is one of my fave too. I am just partial to anything that has straps and is wrapped around the McG. Even if he does still have his pants & shirt on. Boo.
Hi all; find me at http://www.onefemalecanuck.com
I believe I was among the few who laughed out loud when he took the boulder to the face.
It’s the Sardonic in me; she can’t help herself.
Hi all; find me at http://www.onefemalecanuck.com
Because the UK is sadly slow at … Well everything, I have yet to see The ‘boulder to the face’ episode. Ooh I bet that looks fab written in the hawaiian language, my expectations are v v high after reading all the comments posted throughout the episodes that have aired over here. I am trying to be good and not read unwatched episodes!
Big Huggies and thanks to you Sardonic for making wet my panties laughing out loudly whilst reading
Much Love
Jayne
Can’t recall if I responded to this yet.
Jayne!! My absolute pleasure — my aim is to make you laugh and love this show a little more (if at all possible, which may be v v difficult)!!
Several readers are in Aus, and so have not seen all episodes. So…you’re not alone. Just remember to come by and let us know your thoughts when you have finally had viewing pleasure
xxo
Jayne, you will love this epi. Trust!
I too am trying to hold off reading the recaps until I’ve rewatched the episodes as they are rebroadcast. I saw them the first time but haven’t seen them in connection with the recaps. You are in for a treat!
ESS, I have just watched the boulder to the face episode! You were so right. It is I think the bestest episode i have seen yet. The boulder, Danno loves McG, & Shamu, what wasn’t there to love. Will from now on believe all you tell me, no matter what! Huggies to you. x
Jayne, could you please speak to my Not McG to convince him of my wisdom? Much appreciated. Heh!
Thanks for letting me know! I shall never steer a fellow McG girl down the wrong path. All love! Stay tuned because there are several delights still to come!! Trust!!
You weren’t, my friend (remember the one with the judging face?) laughed her head off, as though it was the funniest thing we’d seen all week.
I will watch it again and laugh even harder. Totally the best thing I saw throughout the entire season!
Loved it when Danny’s pompadour rolled its eyes and Danny said “And now you’re shirtless”. And YES! It was a completely gratuitous McG shirtless scene – he so could have kept it on until he got to the waters edge. Many thanks to the Director for the oogling time. DIRECTOR! CALL ME!
As a funny – NOT McG watched the re-run w/me for the first time – and methinks NOT McG is a little jealous of McG/my relationship because he uttered a “give me a break” when the shirt came off. Heh.
HAH! “Give me a break.”
I love that was your NOT McG’s reaction. Exactly as mine when the Writers had a woman pull out a gun *from*her*garter*. (Episode w/ the witness who was in a safe-house that wasn’t so safe after all.)
Hi all; find me at http://www.onefemalecanuck.com
Okay. I LOVE your recaps. Just reread tonight’s before the rerun and caught up with 1.23 and 1.24. BUT also just rewatched Ho’apono and something caught my eye that CRACKED me up. McG (gratuitous shirtless scene, I’m okay with that) before the dive to the ship: Cargos – Green. McG on the ship: Cargos – Khaki/Beige. Clearly, at some point he hand his p*nts off. Writers. Camera people. How did you leave us out of this!
Hi Ann! Welcome to the madness — thanks for the kind words. You shall, if you don’t already, learn to equally love love love the hilarious commentary which comes with each recap.
We like to disagree IN ALL CAPS, but it is always done with much love and sardonic respect; Please don’t ever take it personally or be shy to jump right in
Re his pantslessness. I am convinced the Writers are trying to kill me with ensuring he never remove his fkn pants. (Because as most will here attest, ultimately it is all about me.)
xxo
p.s. Please consider adding your name to the subscription button on the left, so that you never miss a sardonic beat!
“Clearly, at some point he hand his p*nts off.” – GOOD CATCH ANN!