1.16 – El Malama / To Protect

@Plenkov has rented a space shuttle from NASA. He shows us the globe because he is nice like that.

As we see stunning shots of a waterfall, I think how if I were in fact the camera, I would have taken a dive for the waterfall and left you all behind, recaps be damned. That’s right: Damned! Only I am not, and so am forced to trace the camera as it takes me to an FBI safe-house at Kahuku, O’ahu.

An HPD car pulls up, and inside of this lovely romantic cabin in the jungle, is Julie (she being safeguarded) and her FBI safe-guarder, Frank Moore. My guess is that these two are getting it on something fierce. Sort of like those scenes in the French Emmanuelle which my girlfriends and I, aged 10, used to watch in confusion, hysteria, and wonder. French, you all are so softly lit. FRENCH!! CALL ME!!

Right. So the HPD has come to escort Julie to the trial at which her testimony will serve to lock away a mean person. As this show has established on every occasion afforded, all coppers but The 5-0s are really lame. Hence, it is no surprise that the HPD officers were previously killered by these Faux HPDs who are now here to also kill Julie.

We note that one of them is wearing a copper uniform the back of which has two gun-shot holes, though no blood. I think the costume department has been drinking again, and this only reaffirms my desire for hang-outs. DRESSERS!! CALL ME!!

When FBI Frank notices, he tries to nonchalantly kill the Faux HPDs, but is killed first. Julie makes a run for it into the washroom; now that her lover has died, she has nothing to lose and so — a girl after my own heart — grabs a lighter and a hairspray bottle, in prep for McGing the Faux HPDs.

Hawaii 5-0 sings its song.

Daniel, you are not very tall. Ergo you really must be careful with the “butter, cream, chocolate, butter” combo which you are stuffing into your face, courtesy of Chin Ho Kelly. Ooh! CLAIRE VAN DER BOOM is guest starring once more, she of the great last name. CLAIRE!! CALL ME!!

Claire van der Boom rings Daniel and he ignores her call, explaining to Chin that he and Claire van der Boom are alright but for that Step Stan. Also, that he calls her and she ducks his call so that he may leave her a Q; she then returns his call and he ducks that call, so that she may leave him an A. Just like me mum and dad.

McG is on top of things, and by things I really wish it were “me”. THINGS!! CALL ME!!

He is McAnnouncing to The 5-0s that Safe-Guarded Julie is the key witness in a murder trial against Erin Brenner, a major distributor for the Baja drug cartel.

If Julie doesn’t witness by 5pm, Hawaii-Aleutian Standard Time, this Erin Brenner will be set free, and there is no case without her. The 5-0s are to rescue, secure and then deliver the witness. Multi-taskers you are, 5-0s.

Claire van der Boom is driving Gracie (who is really such a pretty little girl) and leaving a message for Daniel when she gets car-jacked.

A part of the car-jacking detail is left on the message for Daniel who hears it as he is walking with The 5-0s, and the call is interrupted by Claire van der Boom who is calling from HPD HQ. While Daniel jumps into his silver lights-breasted car, McG air chops that if he needs anything, The 5-0s will make it happen in less than 35 minutes.

So very many beautiful shots of Hawaii.

McG, Chin and Kono pull up to the safe house, hooking up with a lot of HPD. They ensure that the perimeter is secured, then proceed forward but not before McG squats and peeks beneath a car. That gluteus maximus is showing off that is made of pure concrete. GLUTEUS MAXIMUS!! CALL ME!!

McG finds FBI Frank dead; his McNostrils flare; The 5-0s make their way inside of the safe-house.

McNerd nerds that two men were there, both large because they wear size 11 shoes and he knows this because before becoming a Navy SEAL, he was a manager at Aldo’s.

In the washroom, we learn that McG is entirely turned on by a gal who likes a fun little grapple now and again. Yum.

Also, somehow, majic elves had lined the bottoms of Julie’s shoes with something which leaves a footprint. How? Was she tracking mud into the safe-house or did she take a lipstick tube to the bottom of her heels? Whatever; clearly, this is one of those suspension of reality moments.

McNerd finds three 9 mm casings; notes that Julie may have maimed a Faux HPD officer with her hairspray / lighter trick; and, Kono thinks that Julie took off through the window as there is blood all around the shattered glass. As McG eye$exes the glass, Kono thinks how she wants to take this Julie out for a drink, and McG thinks My God! I am such a handsome devil. They will surely ask me to remove my shirt this epi.

Chin interrupts McG’s thoughts to tell him he’s found something awful. Chin stands behind the HPD car, looking directly into the trunk as McG and Kono run outside. My guess? The horror is a trunk full of burnt Cargo Pants.

Thanks God, I am wrong. It is the two Real HPD officers in their boxer shorts dead dead dead.

Dear Men,

Please meet the Canadian company called SAXX, whose tag-line is “Show Your Ba!ls Some Love”.

Apparently, they are a real and true wonder.


McG is very angry, Dear Readers. So angry that his cheeks flush Cover Girl’s Deep Plum (#154), and we know that he will surely save the world and Julie, and find the car-jackers and not once remove his pants. I really wish The 5-0s were superheros who wore leggings.

The 5-0s are in the back of McG’s truck loading up on tracking gear. It appears that McG has changed his shirt during commercial break; girls the world over surely wept at the missed opportunity of a McChest viewing when this episode originally aired.

As he tells Kono to find some intel on this Brenner man and his contract killers, he asks Chin to do something else that I don’t really take not of because I am too busy fixating on the little details. Such as how McG is camouflage ready for the wrong continent, that of the Middle Eastern desert, not for the green foliage of Hawaii’s jungles. The wardrobe choice here is really something amazing. Almost as amazing as that time McG wore a wetsuit top with dress shorts and an arm cast, but not as amazing as that time he wore a bed sheet and a smirk.

Continued on page 2.

66 responses to “1.16 – El Malama / To Protect

  1. Pingback: Hawaii 5-0 Season 1 recaps | Hawaii 5-0 Sardonic Recaps

  2. on a few paragraphs in, but must now comment that the McG action doll I am planning must now have one arm that “air chops” when he is making a point. will give you credit for the idea.

  3. Pingback: Kelly Hu

  4. Pingback: 1.23 – Ua Hiki Mai Kapalena Pau / Until the End is Near | Hawaii 5-0 Sardonic Recaps

  5. Danno should have IGNORED Rach Hell a little longer!!!! :(
    McG was thinking that our victim/witness was his kinda girl- a lighter and hairspray is foreplay for him! :D

    • AGAIN- DANNO, why the HE Double Hockey Sticks didn’t you ignore Rach Hell’s calls a little longer. Seriously, dude!

      Didn’t want to argue in front of Gracie, but ok to go ‘hey baby, hey baby, yeah’ behind her back and then make a baby. Seriously!

  6. Danno settled the question raised during the finale about how long it should take the HPD to get to the 5-0 headquarters. Danno tells Rac Hell that he’ll “be there in five”. So they are not in the same building. At least not the 2nd half of the season. ;-)

  7. I guess this team does have a regular time to be at work … and Danno and Chin were just about late to the party … they barely got through the door and McG is all over their a$$es with work !

    Lainie, I am not sure why you could be calling Rachel “Rach Hell” … I mean what could have happened for you to dislike her so ????? ;)

  8. lol- I didn’t coin the term- I think Maureen did and I avowed to only call her Rach Hell going forward- hey, at least I am calling HWSNBN Danno again- but only for the earlier eps before he starting going from our pining and noble hero to a silly schoolboy.:D

  9. ESS: Yeah, HPD is in a different bldg…and now we know it’s 5 min. away. I thought they were together because of the stairway, but after looking at anotherr ep, the s/w at HPD is really crappy..so are the offices. Yuck. I wonder if the bldg. is above that Asset Forfeture Locker or cave or whatever it is. The 5-0’s are in the Federal Bldg. which is far, far nicer…exept the ceilings aren’t finished and the outside of McG’s office still looks like the steam room of some ship with those pipes. Although LAINIEK says she uses them when contacting McG from her office in the basement.
    McG sure does have alot of SEAL outfits and toys….still. I wonder if “Cath” get’s him special prices at the Navy surplus store. I can’t imagine McCheapo actually buying all this stuff at retail prices. G

    • Maureen, I bet the cargo pants & seal toys (not to be confused with ‘other’ toys that I’m sure he has) were on the governor’s dime. Hopefully the new gov will drastically cut his budget and he’ll have to start wearing them till they’re threadbare…and eventually fall off. Cuz lord knows he ain’t taking them off on purpose!

  10. Ess: I bet you’re right…Momma Gov. kept his Toy Chest loaded. He certainly whips out the right tool for every predicament. (You OK Lainiek???? Am i getting our mojo working yet, you crazy lady?) It should be real interesting to see how the new Gov handles our spoiled foursome. We probably won’t be seeing anymore “granade” adventures…and I shall miss them. G

    • lol- was the whipping things out for every predicament for me? because McG can whip it out anytime he wants….. *sigh*

  11. I’ve just finished re-watching (auto correct keeps changing this to say treat hung cos that makes sense) this, but it is far to late to comment tonight, will be back tomorrow!

  12. @plenkov can now buy a space shuttle since they have all been retired, so all shows can start from Mars.

  13. Mmmmm. McG’s throbbing neck vein makes a very early appearance in this episode. Yum. Bite-bite.

  14. If only Danny kept ducking thoes calls from his wife, Lainie would be a much happier person. Hope you feel guilty Danno ;)

  15. I’m gonna nerd out here and tell everyone that Julie was the BAMFV (Bad A.s Mother F.cking Vampire) Lorena in True Blood. I love it when all my favorite Vamps visit each other.

    Also, I love that the Five-0’s have black latex gloves. Not blue, not white, not ecru. Black. Yes, I am weird.

  16. I still don’t understand why @plenkov wasn’t creative enough for last names on this show….Rach Hell goes from Wiiliams to Edwards. Seriously?

  17. Stuck up, fake English whore. Not to be confused with our Jayne, who is a sweet little crumpet.

  18. “Rach Hell’s next boyfriend shall be called Abdul Omar Tawfeek Muhammad” “Her maiden name was Whore” OMG, that was funny. I just spit on my laptop. . G

  19. Dying laughing. This entire page!

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