2.01 — Ha’i'ole / Unbreakable: McNuclear Panty Destroyer thinks he’s on Prison Break because no one told him that show was canceled. Chin Ho Kelly is once again a hero. Daniel is a hysterical caricature of the man we once loved. Kono gives the best a.smashing of the episode. Everyone may be a lesbian as no one removes McG’s pants (NO! H8!). I have decided to name my firstborn Atplenkov Zimmo.
2.02 — Ua Lawe Wale / Taken: Lori Weston is introduced as the new 5-0. There is a white man cult head who grows his own organic foods and steals people. McG rides a horsie v hard, and Kono is left outside alone while Tom Sizemore scares the p.ss right out of me.
2.03 — Kame’e / The Hero: Kono goes deeper, without McG and Daniel. That Bald Man is here to stay. Navy SEAL Herd 9 is under attack. Extra-judicial killings are a-okay, when they’re committed by good-looking men.
2.04 — Mea Makamae / Treasure: McG deep water dives. Daniel has a crush on a The Doctor. “Cath” is shipped off to The Gulf, and does not try to remove McG’s pants. Some diver is dead. We learn why by the end of the 43 minutes.
2.05 — Ma’ema’e / Clean: CHINCHINCHIN is back with Malamalama. We figure out wtf’s up with Kono. Alec-Baldwin’s-Brother-Not-Stephen wears an ugly shirt. Deep Fryer (thanks, McMo!) and McG have a c0ck-off; McG wins. Obvi.
2.06 — Ka Hakaka Maika’I / The Good Fight: Alex O’Loughlin’s back will make ya t!ts sing. Someone kills a dude, McG and The 5-0s solve the case in under 41 minutes. McG cage fights, while Thunderbird Lesbian Woah Fat goes after That Bald Guy and hands him his a.s. (That dude in the wheelchair? From 2.01? He’s dead. Thanks, McG!)
2.07 — Ka Iwi Kapu / Sacred Bones: Halloween! Graves! Rocks! Atheism! Ghosts! Terrifying wardrobe choices! Who could ask for anything more? (Except: WHY IS?)
2.08 — Lapa’au / Healing: A Red Book, a Black Box, Smoothaise, a doodle, and further proof that I am preteeee. Who could ask for anything more?
2.09 — Ike Maka / Identity: The Boston Mob, comprised of only Ginges, makes it to Hawaii. Hiro-Max stonewalls The Caucasian Male 5-0 contingent. The FOY shadowboxes McG cargo pants. I like LoHo. FIN.
2.10 — Kiʻilua / Deceiver: No one really cares about international law, anyway. Jenna Kaye is back, with a vengeance, and so is her hair. McG + The 5-0s go to the DMZ for kimchi, blow up a road en route, and forget Kono in the jungle.
2.11 — Pahele / Trap: A bus of (dumb) babies is stoled. They are ransomed. They are saved. Daniel wears white underwear. Alex O’Loughlin looks exhausted. Shell Burn is a person, not a place. Joe White might be a bad man. But I doubt it.
2.12 — Alaheo Pau’ole / Gone Forever: A very convoluted story-line which was almost as boring as last week. Kavika without his jewelery, Daniel handcuffed to LoHo, McG and TBG start to unravel, and CHINCHINCHIN gets married.
2.15 — Mai Ka Wa Kahiko / Out of the Past: Daniel’s hair past comes back to haunt him. Monkey is in trouble. Stan’s a fkn CHAMP. McG is, as always, pretty.
2.16 — I Helu Pu / The Reckoning: “Cath” makes a surprise visit! McG chips a nail! A Russian man is a rapist! LoHo rides off on a Unicorn! The End.