An understatement is: I am so excited, I could puke all over myself and then punch myself in the head several times. But let us not be mired in such nonsense, and instead turn to our tellys.
Cut together are the most relevant What-the-Sh!t? moments of last season’s finale. Widow’s Peak’s exploding; McPanty Destroyer referencing Widow’s Peak wanting to help him; Rach Hell telling Mistress’ Pompadour that though she is adult enough to cheat on her husband, she is not adult enough to deal with the consequences; the old lady — who, really, should be dead — and who had previously harassed Kono and McPanty Destroyer (as he wore a jumpsuit and stole $10,000,000 from the Useless Coppers) identifying Kono as the one who thieved the money; McHero of My Underpants suspecting that Governor #1 belongs to the H50 Axis of Evil, and subsequently confronting her then getting his a.s tasered by Woah Fat, who then goes on to kill Governor #1, but does not remove McG’s pants when McG is passed out (ergo, Woah Fat is a lesbian); Chin Ho Kelly arresting McG; Mistress Daniel’s Pompadour once more losing it’s sh!t as it demands that Chin Ho Kelly release McG as the 5-0s have full immunity and means; and, Chin Ho Kelly delivering the devastating news that McG + The 5-0s must tuck away their instruments as they shall no longer be performing as an ensemble.
Nowhere in this collage does McG remove his pants; we are to deduce that all cast, crew and writers are lesbians. DEDUCED!
One week later, at the National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific, Castratos are high pitched singing. One week later? How is this b.tch’s body not gassing up the Island with rotty evil aroma? Wait; they are not Castratos but rather annoying little Cherubim children. (Please recall that at Sardonic: Kids R Dumb, but for Monkey.)
Sidebar: Muslims must bury their dead within 24 hours of passing. It’s how we commit the perfect crime, and it’s because we hate our kin. Y’all understand terrorism now, right?
Chin Ho Kelly is now a Useless Copper attending Governor #1′s funeral, Kono is rocking the sh!t out of a hot pink bikini and looking despondent in the ocean
surely thinking: Why did I never remove McG’s pants?; Special K is nerding-everywhere-nerding at some outdoor cafe getting pumped with more caffeine so she can overshare again, and faster (♥ you, K!); and, one lone bald man exiting a massive military plane. He towers over Mistress Daniel who is there to collect him.
The children keep up their high-pitched singing as Chin Ho Kelly loses interest in them and starts looking for some jailbait in the attendees. Instead, he sees Woah Fat, who with his sixth sense, senses that he is being eyed and stares back. Surely he sees dead people. Either these two want to f.ck or a.smash. Prey it be the later.
@Plenkov takes us into the prison at which there is one hot. Sweaty. Nostril flaring. McNuclear Panty Destroyer planking the perfect mthr fkn push-up. Like, it’s so perfect, I could weep naked and hanging from his neck as he continues to perform these push-ups.
Written across the wall in front of him is SHEILA, a serious shout-out to all Oz women. B!tches!
A man tells McG that there’s someone to see him. To this news, McG eyes.xes the camera something fierce and not only am I preggers, but I too may have caught some wicked STD via this his lone eyes.xing. Aces.
That’s it. It’s official. I am naming Alex O’Loughlin and my’s child: @Plenkov. Exactly like that, pronounced “atplenkoff.” Atplenkoff O’Loughlin.
Camera cuts to Mistress, without a tie. McPanty Destroyer sits down in his orange jumpsuit looking like a Longhorns fans and eyes.xes Daniel.