Cast #1

McPanty Destroyer (Alex O’Loughlin): Also known as Steve McGarrett, McG, McGarrett, Captain Cargo Pants, A.smasher *sigh*, Meat-Head, Playah, Panty Crusher, McNerd, McFlaring Nostril, #takeshisshirtofftoomuch, and #doesn’ttakehispantsoffenough.

His head is filled with the most random and amazing bits of information. If I could, I would follow him around and yell DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN after he says…anything. Like, he would be all “hi, how are you Danno?” and I would be all “DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN.” Apropos, I think.

I occasionally tweet as his Cargo Pants (i.e. “I am sad. I feel used. It’s dark in here…” etc.), and have faith that soon, he will as much as I, look forward to the day when he is s.xing me with his eyes.

P.S. As a Navy SEAL, he must speak multiple languagues. My guess is they are: English, Mumblenese, Lispy, and Oz.

Danno’s Pompadour (Scott Caan): I mean. I don’t even know how to do justice to this character. It is an entity in and of itself and filled with so much raging sardonicism, I think it may be recapping right alongside me.

A former Jersey cop, he moved to Hawaii to be close to his daughter Monkey. He and McNerd are bromantically involved and their means of communication makes me wish I had a pen.s so that I too would communicate in this manner with my girlfriends. Because if I tried this at home, my girls would pull my hair and punch me in the throat.

Though I may tease at his height, I understand that he likely more than makes up for those missing inches elsewhere. (Scott Caan, you are v welcome.) Affectionately, I may call him “Pineapple Head (No Ham!)”. Most important, he discombobulates my ovaries and makes me want to procreate.

KonoPOW (Grace Park): The only constant female on Hawaii 5-0, she kicks ass in flat shoes (hurrah!) and jeans (hazzah!). She is fiercely devoted to her “kuz” Chin and I love her v much for this. She may be a sister wh.re because she possesses the s.xting abilities of a s.xting Superhero complete with cape.

KonoPOW has the best bum in Hawaii; as a female who has fantastic and natural brea.ts, I think it is really amazing that she has not gone the way of faux silicone implants. (Grace Park — I commend you for dismissing the unnatural and unhealthy boob standard of Hollywood by which women are measured. Really and truly, on behalf of the sisterhood: thank you. Also, you are fkn gorgeous (you b.tch!).)

KonoPOW gave us the most important piece of information about the Island of Hawaii: Brazilians? Not an option, but rather a fact of life. (GRACE PARK!! WE SHOULD HANG!! CALL ME!!)

ILoveCHIN (Daniel Dae Kim): He rides a motorcycle without a helmet. He is hot. He is the man with whom I would like to spend the rest of my life (as opposed to a wicked fun long-weekend with McPanty Destroyer in bed during which time he just lays around quietly s.xing me and cooking for me and also rubbing my wee feet).

I have trouble being sardonic about Chin because he has thus far proven himself to be reliable and an overall good man (though, he may be a weirdo who hangs around straddling his parked motorcycle. TBC). LOVE YOU CHIN!! CALL ME!!