A woman is being attacked inside of a home. I have nothing sardonic to say about this because I am stressed out by the scene and then I quite nearly heave when I see that the piece of sh!t attacker has pulled out a curved knife and is holding it up to the woman’s face.
Suddenly, Adam Beach is running through Ford Island, while carrying a bloody knife in his hand. ADAM BEACH!! CALL ME!! (I met him years back. He is LOVE.LY.)
Adam Beach is running hard because maybe he just attacked and killered a woman. As police chase, he scales a chain-link fence and pops over it with the ease of someone who is clearly not I, because the one time I tried to do this was over a fence half this one’s height. My left pant leg caught, and I was propelled forward then snapped back at high speed. For the rest of the day, I walked around with a peeled and unfurled pant leg because I am sexy like that.
A man with a raspy voice and perfectly white fluffs of hair asks if anyone knows a damn thing about the battleship behind him because he wants to get this sh!t over with so he can have a drink. The adults avoid eye-contact and think uhm, we’re on this tour so YOU can tell us pops while a young girl raises her hand to explain that just seconds ago she tweeted a pic to her billion twitter friends and captioned it omg, i think #justinbieber should totes shoot his next vid here, to which a 47 year old man responded “You mean on The Missouri, which secured its place in history as the site of Japan’s unconditional surrender to the Allied Forces on Sept. 2, 1945, ending World War II? TOTES! EEEEE! LET’S MEET! WHEN YOU’RE HOME ALONE!”
Adam Beach is still being chased by a couple of cops, and the raspy voiced man is speaking in English, though I absolutely can not understand a word of it.
Cops approach Adam Beach and when they try to arrest him, he McG’s them into submission, grabs a gun, a screaming female hostage and backs onto The Missouri while yelling that he wasn’t responsible for killing his wife.
Hawaii 5-0 chimes.
A gorgeous woman working for The Governor and with the most spectacular widow’s peak approaches Captain Cargo Pants and Danno as they exit the car. She is eye$exed by McG as he asks what she’s got. She explains that Adam Beach is in fact Graham Wilson, a fellow SEAL like McPanty Destroyer.
While McG fights tears, Danno is all business asking after the five things taught in Detective Camp: What Where Why When and WTF? Widow’s Peak explains that Adam Beach has only one demand conditional upon which he will release the hostages: find the individual who killered his wife.
When Danno asks if there are any suspects, Widow’s Peak looks at McPanty Destroyer and says I think you’re wearing too much foundation but then turns back to Danno to discuss the semantics of the situation. She explains that although SWAT usually handles such scenarios, The Governor feels that with McG’s background as a Super SEAL, he (not the 5-0s) would be better to handle the situation. McG is caught off guard because he had just been daydreaming about his handsome good looks thinking My God! I am a handsome devil. He recovers quickly and says that he will do it alone, while Danno shrugs his shoulders and asks if he’s here for entertainment alone.
Yes. Yes, you are Danno. You are here for the sole purpose of stripteasing my ovaries with your witty banter and pompadour.
When Danno’s pompadour yells THIS IS RIDICULOUS, McG’s Cargo Pants explain that Adam Beach is trained in a particular form of close something combat which would really mess with Danno’s hair stylings. Worse yet, if SWAT tries to go in, he will killer many people because apparently, Navy SEALS are fkn lunatics, y’all.
Widow’s Peak is imagining what it would be like to take a ride on the McG, as the music swells and McSuper Seal is all “Adam Beach deserves the benefit of the doubt and at least a conversation just in case he didn’t killer his wife.” For no particular reason, I am suddenly patriotic on behalf of the Navy SEALS.
McG is a sovereign and no one is getting in his way; not even Danno’s pompadour.
Returning from commercial break, we are engaged by another bromantic interlude. Danno tries to use the third person to speak in the second voice and asks a completely incomprehensible question. While Danno is rambling, McG is playing with his toys, sticking them in his waterproof bag. I hope he has Ritz crackers and spray cheese in case he gets hungry and needs a snack.
Danno is worried that Adam Beach will see McG coming, but McG explains that Adam Beach will be expecting a threat from land and not water. I am perplexed that no one noted the massive size of The Missouri and that Adam Beach only has two eyes.
Instead of investigating this further, I stop caring because McG is suddenly McShirtless and his pecs are waving at me, whispering that before the cameras rolled, Alex O’Loughlin completed 632 push-ups. Again I think: MORE HAIR!! YOU NEED MORE HAIR!! and Danno thinks: I can’t believe he doesn’t wear an undershirt in this Hawaiian heat.
When Danno asks what McG’s plan is, McG explains that he will eye$ex Adam Beach into submission right after he eye$exes the ocean waves to part as the sea once did for Moses (pbuh). I understand that the Director wants to engage the female audience by utilizing Alex O’Loughlin’s body, but it’s a little odd that he’s shirtless while still fixing his wee bag and being so far away from the water. (Go ahead and yell at me; I know you want to.)
While McG is on The Missouri working on solidifying Adam Beach’s trust, he expects The 5-0s to investigate the killering.
Chin and Kono arrive and reiterate what we first saw, adding that the couple’s 7 year old daughter was also at the scene of the crime. She has not spoken since and is currently at Children’s Aid. McG is still standing shirtless; everyone is distracted by this, including SWAT.
Kono says she’ll go to find the girl, because seeing as she is the one with ovaries, the spermites will ask it of her anyway. Danno explains that no, this is not why they would ask her to go, but rather it is because she is a rookie and rookies are lower on the scale to women. Amoebas clap and look around at one another wondering if they are therefore above or below the rookies.
McG straps something around his neck and I don’t know what it is because I am too busy imagining clapping amoebas. It looks like a collar and it accentuates his shoulders, neck and dancing chest. More men should wear this object.
Oh! It’s goggles.
He tells The 5-0s that though he’ll have his phone on him, he’ll call them and not vice versa. Clever Kono says how that’s likely not the first time McG has used that line in his McPanty Destruction. I yell He doesn’t even say hello or goodbye to “Cath”. MCG!! CALL ME!! I’m not big on small talk, either.