Editorial note: This episode didn’t much lend itself to a whole lot of sardonic. Beg your forgiveness and understanding in advance, as most funnies come in the later pages of this recap. x
Because Molokai 1 is having a sleep-in this morning, we are watching a girl in a red-bottomed bikini paddle board at Molokai 2.
Somewhere on the Island, a baboon is missing its a.s and is v sad because it can no longer do a number 2.
It’s the Paddle Board World Championships, reminding me of the time I attempted to paddle board and nearly took out my front teeth.
Red-bottomed is known to her family and friends as Jen, which I originally misheard as Chin. She is the winner who, unlike Kono’s creepy surf mentor, did not get shot off her board and then dragged to her death by overzealous ninja lifeguards.
Instead, Jen jumps from her board and looks fab while carrying a little back-pack for her rouge and hair styling products.
Apparently, Jen is 15 years of age and so must be a fan of that Bieber girl. Were we to enter the minds of all male audience members, we would arrest them.
When Jen does not respond to her name called for award receipt, her mum goes into the changing tent to find her. There is a moment where she rounds a corner and she appears jarringly sociopathic. Honest.
Jen has been abducted by a red car, and her mum starts screaming that her daughter’s been stolen. Had that been my mum, and someone tried to steal me, her screaming would have shattered the windows on the car and split both the earth and the ocean in two, after which she would have demanded that everyone call her Momma Moses.
My guess? The culprit is the baboon, wanting its a.s back because its tummy is crampy.
Hawaii 5-0 ring-a-ling-dings.
In the Governor’s Office, McPanty Destroyer is reading How to make him love you by cooking him the right stuffs, and where that fails, how to properly key his car incognito and live fabulous and out loud while running in heels.
Enter LAUREN GERMAN. Hiiii Lauren! She is in pumpkin top, black pencil skirt and black platform heels. McG is eyes.xing her while she introduces herself as Officer Laurie Weston.
Weston sits down and wonders if McG has a hidden v@gina due to his preferred reading materials. Bonding over the sports section, they eye flirt.
Females and slashies implode, cracking tellys as they throw shoes and bats and cupcakes at their screens. Weeping is heard the world over, and it is not due to madness at UN over Palestine / Israel question.
“Cath” turns nuclear weapons toward the Governor’s office and waits patiently as she eats direct from a Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream container.
Sidebar: When McPanty Destroyer introduced himself to Weston, he stood up. Big shout out to either the Director or to O’Loughlin here. There is nothing more annoying that a dumba.s who keeps their arse planted when they shake your hand. It’s just good manners; small detail but important.
McG and Weston are called into the Governor’s office just like Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson: Together.